hi my name is martina i am a 39 year old hard working, dedicated, on the one, single parent of 4 amazing children from st.louis mo. for 39 years i grew up without a father. dont get me wrong,my mom was the best and would not trade her for the world. actually my mom did perfect without him. every one in my family was so proud of me . they wanted me for a daughter. i was not a trouble maker ,in no kind of way. i never skipped school i never did cause my mom any major problems. now ,not washing the dishes maybe ,but never nothing serious, i mean never! i was not fast as a girl ,i played with dolls up until 9th grade, they laughed at me. i was a loaner and loved it. i played excellent by myself. didnt go many places ,not because i couldnt but because i didnt wanna. i always wanted my mommy...i did two years of college at lincoln university in jefferson city mo. in computer science, i didnt finish, but i did it. no one in our entire family did this in ages. they loved me! i was the best. i had my first child at 25 years old..what a blessing , thank you jesus !i had my own car i had my own apartment . i was blessed.. but,.i just always wondered where is my father! i have two brothers ,we are a year apart .one younger and one older so, that makes me in the middle.and unfortunately in august 1999 i lost my mother betty j. lee to a massive stroke...she had diabetes also..she lived on her own apartment in st.louis mo. on a street called gast... lord how i miss her, lord how i love her. lord how hard it is even after 10 years..and before that i loss my grandmother which is her mother to cancer and diabetes in june 1994.and guess what i have diabetes also since 2004. thank god, im still in good health .i have not had any problems... i just take two pills a day and pray! god is on my side every day...yeah! it runs in our family. my grand mother had 19 brothers and sisters and one child which was my mother, she never wanted more children because she had to raise her brothers and sisters because her mom was deceased. so my mom was the only child...my grandmother had a husband and a big house they where wealthy ,my grand father was a manager of some sort at anheiser busch ,so we where well off. we wanted for nothing. each and everyone of my grandmothers brothers and sisters died from diabetes, and its only two children left. so i have a small family but everyone had lots of chlidren..we dont have many elders. my mom met 3 of my chilren.and they all got thier own look and she had nick names for them. my last child which is a boy and hes 7 looks just like her..she never met him...it was so heart breaking to finally have a child that favored my mother... if she where here i wonder what shed name him. hes just like her, he wears glasses and so did my mom, nobody else does. she called my oldest which is a 16 year old boy,she called mark or worm because he wiggled a lot, a busy body as she called him. he was her favorite and first from me. she took him every where,,,my moms eyesight was very poor because of her diabetes but god watched over her. her license was took. she was not allowed to drive. her house was fixed for the blind ,but it didnt stop her. she took mark/worm as her eyes .he was 2 years old and told her the colors of the lights .he spelled the streets, they where best of friends..my 14 year old girl she named her snowbunny. we still call her that till this day..she was my mom soother. when my mom felt bad she would call on snow bunny to rub her feet her back or hands or comb her hair. my mom said she had hands of distruction ,and she does.. my 10 year old girl was one when my mom passed she doesnt remember ,my mom named her dayday the crybaby .she cried about everything .when she cried my mom sent us home... i qouted all this in my moms obituary, they loved it .it was a book...on august 1999 i was called by bjc dialisys that my mom did not show up for dialisys...she goes 4 times a week be cause her kidneys was failing, but it never slowed her down..she had dialisys transportation for these times so she didnt have to drive..theyd come and get her at 4 am in the morning and by noon she was back at home..one particular day they had called me hours after my mom should have been there and said she never showed up...immediately i tried to call her, her phone line stayed busy,i called the complex, i called my uncle who lived in the same complex he was in a wheelchair with no legs he went up there, couldnt get no answer...i was on my way in rage and just knowing that my mom was gone..i had a friend whom is a nurse and is still is my best friend to this minute.. i asked her to meet me there and she did . i put my key in my moms door and there she was laying on her back in a puddle of her own body waste and fluids her head was as big as a tire on a car i was through. i had my one year old in my arms , i was shocked i kneeled down beside my mom and told her to hold on, squeeze my hand if you can hear me and she did..she couldnt talk..911 was on its way .we took her in .911 had told me bring her some clothes she will be ok. i didnt believe that from what i saw...so she went . and i was totally pissed with ems. my mom always told me not to let her suffer, never.. i obeyed her. they said she wasnt gonna get any better. she was on a breathing machine which she didnt want, but , i guess they did what they thought was best .i told them to take it off and let her breath on her own .my mom told me to never let her or to watch her suffer under no circumstances...they took it off and i called the family she died later that day..one brohter was in jail the other was just a fool all his life, he didnt even know that our mom was sick... i was so alone .they didnt really have a relationship becuse he was such a disrespectful child..and guess what ?it hurt him the most.... peopl hated to take me to a funeral or a wake. it would tear me apart i couldnt handle it. you kow how people handle things differently. that was not one of my things . i would get there and always fall out and end up sick and hurting myself. boy wasnt everybody lost on how was i gonna handle my mom.. my mothre! oh god! god had my back . you could never tell how i use to fall out. i went in there like a champ.. i was the strongest perso there! 0 .just imagine what i had to do after this . i had no clue, no close trustworthy relatives. everyony was doing their own thing..so i had to go to a church and get a pastor whos name was rev. vail whom has also passed away now... such a great man.! he helped me from beginning to end and he never even met my mom..he walked hand and hand with me to pick out a casket for arrangemants and everything else... he was my backbone and my strength...if you have not been in these shoes you dont know, you just dont know, its unexsplainable but i made it all by myself. as i was growing up my mom from time to time would tell me what little she new about my father and she also had a picture of him in his army uniform. his name was shelby carter. he was a few years younger than my mom. she claimed i favored him a lot. she said he was tall and skinny. and that i was until i had my 4th child.. my brothers new their fathers ,they where with them. not real good fathers but they was here.she asked me why i never asked about my father..i told her because i didnt care. i didnt know him so i couldnt wonder on what i never had.. she told me this story about she met him on a county street where they use to live. he was adopted by his god parents. the god parents was rich and didnt like her and didnt want him with my mom. they called her a poor little black girl. it was too late i was already concieved and they found out and sent my father to the army and my mom never heard from him again..his godparents moved.. all my mom had was his friends. can you imagine how that hurt my mom and grandmother for those people to be that cruel. they made sure he had no contact with my mom .they where rich as she said! he new that she was pregnant but never new if i was a boy are a girl..later in life i was maybe some months old my mom tried to send him a picture of me in my baby bed. if he got it or not we are not sure. she never found out. he never responded back.every now and then she would try to find him because i had started to become bitter about it. why my brothers have fathers and i dont? the last time she attempted to find him i was about 27 years old . she paid for a world wide search and they sent her back 3 or 4 men with the same name.. i one year here lately had my medical clinic that i attend to help me find him . they said it was kind of hard because i had so little information on him.. i figured he knows his name ,he knows if he ever met a girl named betty taylor/williams , and lived with godparents and went to the army. he knows who he is . nobody has the exact situation.....she attempted to call these men the last one she called she really believed with all her heart it was him. he held the conversation with her but he really didnt want to.. he seamed scared and shocked but never owned up to me.. she tried again later but they had changed their number.. it was him. thats all we had to work with..his name is not common. its not really a boys name,to me...so! she was so hurt and ashamed to share the story with me.. i told her see thats why it never mattered to me because by then i had , had my exsperience with men and new how they where.it didnt bother me as a young child but now as an adult im bitter im mad ,and the pattern is continuing to repeat itself .my children are with out fathers and they wanna know why? why my daddy? i m feeling my children..and i told them son ,daughter your mom made some very very poor choices and will never make them again..im sorry but im your mommy and daddy and later own or if its not hittig them now its their lost and they will regret it. you as a child do what you suppose to do and im definitely gonna do what i have to what i dont wanna do what i need to do and what ever it takes to be the best role model and mother that i can be, because i want the best for all of you and better than what i had.. they all always tend to say we dont have nobody.. no father ,no grandmothers, no aunts, no uncles..thats heart breaking for kids..i do all i can for my kids. we have active and open relationships. i am wonder woman. we dont socialize that much but we happy. i go out and make and meet friends to have a family.and to get close and later on say our kids are cousins.you know? and things like that. my girls die for a males attention. my 10 tear old ,her father got murdered ,my 14 year old father just lie to her. the boys father is just absent from there lives peroid...its crazy but i go on...and tell them son just dont you grow to be like your father...we are blessed. i have some interesting and wonderful children .they are spoiled. i just figured maybe i can attempt with some help from you guys. please find my father so that he can see what he has been missing...if you find him i would be so afraid. i have so much to say and so many questions, like 39 years worth...its crazy, please help us!!!!!!! its so much more to my story but im tired now . i was off work today and saw a story of families reuniting and i cried i tossed and turned, i needed a nap, but i couldnt. i decided to get up and take the initiative to find my father for my children so that they can have a grandpa, atleast! if he still doesnt wanna accept us ,again we cant miss what we never had...............